hurry the fuck up and be over with, you stupid emotional aftershock.
i want to get back to not being a depressed motherfuckin' loser.
this is where i say that everything's ok, that i'm doin' fine, that everything is lookin' up, that yeah, i'm fine, seriously. this is where i say i don't really want to talk about it, this is where i say i'm happy and less-stressed.
yeah fuckin' right. different stress, different anger and pain. the type of stuff i haven't dealt with in 6ish years. god i barely remember that long ago, seems like some other life at this point. i always had some new relationship or crush or something back then, in a period of my lovelife which is only recognizable to me now as 'pre-sarah', it all blurs together after so much time. now i'm entering this new and terrifying 'post-sarah' state, and i think i'm pretty accurately feeling that nothing in my life will really be the same from here on out.
i've been engaged, i've been absolutely sure i wanted to spend my life with someone, and then i watched that erode and slip away from me; it's terrifying. i spent all of my pre-sarah social years imagining myself this hopeless romantic who longed for nothing in the world more than a committed long-term relationship, and now i can't see things the same way anymore. post-sarah richie is a bit more cynical, a bit less optimistic (though that still leaves me more optimistic than almost anyone i know), a lil bit too rational now in matters i used to gauge by emotion alone pre-sarah. i'm this totally different person it seems, someone i don't know well enough yet to know if i even like. i sat stagnant so long with sarah, i feel like i've half-rotted away my heart, not sure if it can feel the same things. it's so confusing.
here's to drowning myself in sleep deprivation instead of alcohol.