OrLando Calrissian (nintendork) wrote,
OrLando Calrissian

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check the profile, it shifts like sundials.

i haven't felt like doing anything in a while. and here in this new apartment when i don't have/want anything to do I just end up sitting here staring at my computer. and when the pages i've been frequenting lately begin to stay the same no matter how many times i refresh, i just kind of zone out and start thinking. and as a chronic over-thinker this starts as annoyance and graduates quickly to frustrated anger. add to that what i can only assume was the expected crushing wave of depression and loneliness crashing down on me as i spend more and more nights alone, beginning to realize the reality i now live in. loving having my friends around, hating just about everything else though. i'm just not in a good mental/psychological/emotional place right now. of course in time it will pass, but for now i am in a pretty constant state of feeling like absolute shit. i just sit here every night listening to music because tv gives me measurable blocks to count time with. I just sit here until i cant keep my eyes open anymore, so i don't have to lie in bed awake and thinking. grab a few hours of sleep, work, come home, do it again.

hurry the fuck up and be over with, you stupid emotional aftershock.

i want to get back to not being a depressed motherfuckin' loser.

this is where i say that everything's ok, that i'm doin' fine, that everything is lookin' up, that yeah, i'm fine, seriously. this is where i say i don't really want to talk about it, this is where i say i'm happy and less-stressed.

yeah fuckin' right. different stress, different anger and pain. the type of stuff i haven't dealt with in 6ish years. god i barely remember that long ago, seems like some other life at this point. i always had some new relationship or crush or something back then, in a period of my lovelife which is only recognizable to me now as 'pre-sarah', it all blurs together after so much time. now i'm entering this new and terrifying 'post-sarah' state, and i think i'm pretty accurately feeling that nothing in my life will really be the same from here on out.

i've been engaged, i've been absolutely sure i wanted to spend my life with someone, and then i watched that erode and slip away from me; it's terrifying. i spent all of my pre-sarah social years imagining myself this hopeless romantic who longed for nothing in the world more than a committed long-term relationship, and now i can't see things the same way anymore. post-sarah richie is a bit more cynical, a bit less optimistic (though that still leaves me more optimistic than almost anyone i know), a lil bit too rational now in matters i used to gauge by emotion alone pre-sarah. i'm this totally different person it seems, someone i don't know well enough yet to know if i even like. i sat stagnant so long with sarah, i feel like i've half-rotted away my heart, not sure if it can feel the same things. it's so confusing.

here's to drowning myself in sleep deprivation instead of alcohol.
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